For infertile people, special family celebrations like Mother's Day can be painful reminders of the fertility and success of other people - times to be endured.  Mother's Day can be a stressful time for many reasons.  For infertile people this time can be a painful reminder of a longed for child.  Some thoughtful planning can help to reduce the sadness and increase your chances of having a peaceful and even pleasant Day.

Many infertile couples do not participate in family gatherings on Mother's Day.  Here are some useful strategies for dealing with this difficult Day.

Decide to

• Plan to see your parents or other family members a week or two beforehand so they know you care about them.  This will leave you free to spend the Day quietly.
• Attend an early morning church service rather than the Family service on Mother's Day.
• If you find family gatherings too painful, make plans to spend some time with other infertile people who do not have children.
• Take time to share your feelings with your partner. Allow yourself to feel sad, deprived or depressed.  Infertility is a major life crisis and you are entitled to these feelings. In sharing them you may be able to help each other through this difficult time.
• Stay in touch with other infertile friends who understand your position and may be able to offer support.
• Accept the hurt you experience because it is evidence of the love you have for the child you mourn.
• Plan to develop your own traditions and rituals to celebrate special occasions.  This will give them meaning, while reducing painful reminders about your infertility and childlessness.
• On Mother's Day (and Father's Day) you may like to give your partner a small memento to recognise their commitment to become a parent.

Decide not to

• Shop at large shopping towns where families, children and Mother's Day promotions abound.
• Feel guilty about not participating in all the traditional family celebrations. You need to concentrate on supporting each other through this Day.
• Forget that you need each other especially during this difficult time.
• Expect others to understand your pain. Refer to it briefly and ask that they support you by respecting your choices.

For families and friends of infertile people

Your family member or friend will appreciate your understanding and support.  Below are some suggestions for you to consider.

• Don't feel rejected if your family member or friend wants to spend Mother's day alone. They love you and don't want to spoil your celebrations with their sadness.  Let them know that you would like to see them but will understand if they do not feel they can attend.
• Don't feel that you need to "fix" things.  You can't.  Just understanding and respecting their wishes will be comforting.

Source: ACCESS fact sheet: Coping with Christmas and other special days

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